At some point in their lives everyone has an aspiration to be a rock star. From all accounts, as long as you aren’t Vanilla Ice then it seems like a pretty enjoyable occupation. Some people carry this aspiration with them their entire life as they play a never ending series of coffee shops and dive bars. Others seem content to discreetly practice their falsetto in the shower in hope that a wandering A&R rep will randomly pass by their bathroom. Either way, there is no official guidebook for how to fashion a band that is all but guaranteed fame and success.
Enter The Grooveshark Blog. We’ve been meticulously compiling various methods to ensure that people playing ukelele in their basement can become undeniable rock stars. This week’s installment covers a litany of different ways to become a Rock God from defining your band’s classification in the indie rock universe and how to select a charmingly ironic band name.
Ascertaining Where You Fit In the Indie Rock Universe
A cursory search of wikipedia reveals that there are hundreds of different sub genres of “indie rock”. The phrase “indie rock” is an ambiguous classification anyway, so you might as well define your aesthetic in extreme detail. Here are a few ways to determine which classification your band falls under.
Twee Rock
As a twee rocker, your head should be buried into classic literature rather than the bosom of a buxom blonde. When a bar fight begins to get out of control, you should enter the fray not with fists but with Bible scripture. Be careful that nobody spills beer on your beige cardigan, because you wouldn’t want a stain to distract from your carefully selected “retro” Boy Scout uniform underneath.
Listen: “I’m a Cuckoo” by Belle and Sebastian
Cock Rock
As a cock rocker, your music should make it readily apparent that you don’t even really care about creating art. The only reason you’re making music anyway is to get laid and your songs should reflect that. Your music should be loud, abrasive, and full of references to your unbridled awesomeness.
Sounds like: Led Zeppelin, Jet
Listen: “Finding Out True Love Is Blind” by Louis XIV
Garage Rock
Honestly, it helps if you’re from Detroit and your band name starts with “The”. Being the next big thing in 2001 would also be extremely beneficial. Your sound should consist of the contained mayhem that has become a staple of The White Stripes and The Hives. Having a common clothing aesthetic seems to be popular in this genre (see: matching suits, red and white clothing exclusively).
Post Punk
While punk for the most part seemed like it was kind of fun back in the days of The Clash, post punk mines the gloomier aspects of life for material. Bands like Interpol and Franz Ferdinand combined elements of punk with artsy, danceable riffs. Doing inordinate amounts of cocaine should be your first course of action.
Creating a Band Name
With the influx of bands like Fall Out Boy and Panic(!) at the Disco, cute band names are becoming more and more prevalent. Other bands have chosen to take the “play on words route” when naming their bands. Because none of these band names are in any way clever, we’d like to offer up some equally terrible band names for emotive youngsters all around the globe.
Fleetwood Macaroni and Cheese
Dwayne Johnson and Roll (get it? Because Dwayne Johnson is The Rock. 3 emo bands will have already started myspaces under this name by the time you finish this post)
Fall Out Boy George
Prince Albert in a Candle in the Wind
Seriously, this subsection should serve as an example of what NOT to do when naming your band. Nobody finds these amusing. Devin just wrote a really great post on the subject in which he dissects which “charmingly ironic” band names work and which names do not.
How To Communicate With Your Fans
Striking up a rapport with fans of your band is an integral part of maintaining a loyal, and more importantly lucrative fan base. Some bands have chosen to consistently update their blogs while others have chosen to sue their fans into oblivion. It’s your prerogative to choose which method works best for you.
The Blogging Method
Keeping up with your band’s blog is extremely important. It can afford your fans valuable insights into both you and your band’s personality. Bands ranging from Against Me! to Jason Mraz have utilized this method of communication to inform fans of subjects ranging from travel tips to the pitfalls of searching for a manager. You could also use the Kanye method of blogging to assert yourself as an egomaniacal nutjob. Here are some excellent musician run blogs to check out, but make sure to type delicately on your Macbook Air’s.
The Tim McGraw, Axl Rose, Henry Rollins Method
So maybe your fans are getting a little TOO rowdy and you feel the need to intervene. Venues around the country aren’t really known for hiring savvy, motivated personnel so you have to take matters into your own hands. Beating the crap out of said fan will not only remove him from your line of sight, but it will also establish yourself as a general badass. You’ll be able to go on with the show and that fan will always have a story to tell his buddies over a 12 pack of Natty Lite.
The Metallica Method
Sue all of your fans for downloading music. Have your entire band aesthetic be an exercise in douchebaggery. Your fans will understand.
How To Have an Onstage Meltdown
It’s inevitable that you will find the pressure too much when you’re on stage. You could gut it out and finish the show, but that’s not fun for anyone. Spice things up a bit and put your neuroses on display in an epic public meltdown. Nothing says “viral video” like an unbelievable on stage freakout.
The Isaac Brock Method
The Modest Mouse front-man was having a tough time on stage in South Dakota when he decided to throw the audience a curve ball. So he pulled out a knife and cut his chest before a roadie had to come out and stop him.
The Fiona Apple Method
Start crying. Works every time.
Beat Up Your Bandmates
A la Brian Jonestown Massacre. Let’s face it, those other shmucks don’t hold a candle to your unparalleled skill. Show them who the boss is by beating them up on stage during your label showcase. You’ll get signed in a jiff!
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