It is my firm belief that a new holiday is created at least twice a week. Pick up a newspaper in some sector of the world and there is probably a 63.8% chance that you will find the declaration of a new holiday within its pages. It’s a bit absurd.
Frankly, I have no problem with it.
Case in point: National Gorilla Suit Day (January 31). I’ll be glad to uphold this tradition if somebody has any clue where to obtain the necessary outfit.
Since getting over missing Monkey Day (December 14) my entire life, it has become a priority of mine to create several holidays which I intend to observe every year. Whether the rest of humanity observes them or not, these international holidays (welcoming observers worldwide) are hereby certified.
Smash Your Guitar Day (September 8)
This day will forever mark the first time that Pete Townshend turned a guitar into mangled bits of wood and steel, at the Railway Hotel in 1964.
Do whatever it takes to smash a guitar when the day rolls around. Whether it be your brand new Fender Strat or your plastic Guitar Hero controller — destroy it.
Stop Believing Day (January 22)
In honor (if that’s how you choose to look at it) of Steve Perry’s well-known inspirational plea, on this day I will make it a point to not believe anything I’m told.
In an effort to right the wrongs done on April Fool’s Day, I will dismiss the most minute, concrete facts with an indignant “yeah right.” The majority of my friends will undoubtedly loathe me for it, but for the good of the holiday, I’ll take a stand of disbelief.
Punch Somebody In The Face Day (June 5)
As a strong believer (every day but January 22) that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch had that special something, June 5 will now be dedicated to Mark Wahlberg’s cinematic penchant for punching people in the face. On this day, I will find at least one unlucky person and serve them a knuckle sandwich (and you should too!).
Doing so while listening to “Good Vibrations” is optional, but recommended.
Aaron Carter Day (December 7)
On this day, I will make it a point to challenge Shaq to a one-on-one basketball game and win heroically on a last-second shot.
If possible, those observing Aaron Carter Day should also date and cheat on Hilary Duff while simultaneously being robbed of thousands of dollars by a parental figure.
Stay Awake During Nebraska Day (September 20)
Try as I might, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully honor this holiday.
Not that I don’t like some of the songs on the album. It’s just musical Nyquil for me.
This day is also fellow blogger Jack’s birthday, which I’ll futilely attempt to stay awake for as well.
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