Grooveshark

There’s something to be said about a person who writes a terrible song that inexplicably becomes a hit. It’s a phenomena that rivals Stonehenge in its inability to be explained. These songs that aspire to be eloquent love letters or political statements really just sound like the pompous ramblings of somebody who got WAY too famous. Yet, somehow these songs manage to resonate with sizable amount of people.

Photo Credit

Look, we’re not saying that the following musicians don’t have any talent. All we’re suggesting is that they’re lyrics are so unbelievably terrible that we can’t understand how anyone can justify listening to them. We also are well aware that Blender has already created this list. Big deal. The Black Crowes probably like this list better anyway.

Sting

Photo Credit

If Sting were a wise man, he would take a cue from Radiohead and Trent Reznor when considering an innovative distribution model. However, instead of naming your own price or just getting a free album, all you would have to do is surrender your testicles. Unfortunately, because no self respecting man listens to Sting’s pseudo spiritual pap he probably wouldn’t break even. Luckily, there is a cadre of Aerostar-driving soccer moms more than willing to go Lorainna Bobbit on their spouses for a chance to hear Sting make another “ocean of my soul” metaphor. Maybe Sting should stop having sex for 6 days at a time and learn how to write a fucking song.

Steve Miller

Photo Credit

A friend once compared Steve Miller’s music to Jerry Bruckheimer films. She told me that while they’re technically “not good”, they’re undeniably fun. I call bullshit. If Steve Miller were half as fun as Cameron Poe demanding to put the bunny back in the box then he would have taken over the world by now. If Steve Miller ever waxed poetic about how “losers always try their best and winners fuck the prom queen” then he would be compared to Bob Dylan. No, Steve Miller is like the outtakes from Pirates of The Carribean 3. Seriously, he rhymed “Texas” with “facts is”.

Jim Morrison

Honestly, how hippies could embrace this guy and still think they could make a difference is beyond me. This guy makes Bono look like Andy Griffith in the battle for supreme pomposity. There’s nothing worse than someone trying to be deep and just sounding like a drugged up idiot. Seeing his face on Target brand T-shirts works better as PSA against alcoholism than it does to inspire people to write meaningful songs.

David Crosby

This stoner walrus has made a career on writing some of the sappiest, hippie drivel this side of Dan Fogleberg. Not even getting arrested for firearm possession could make this guy any less of a pansy. Dude almost makes Fogleberg look tough. The fact that he once yelled at me when I was 15 because I skipped him in a buffet line doesn’t help matters. What’s even worse, he donated sperm to Melissa Etheridge which will undoubtedly produce the wussiest kid in the world.

Ryan Ross

Photo Credit

Flash…meet pan. This Panic! at the Disco (I refuse to recognize the omission of the exclamation point, probably because they suck[!]) frontman has consistently churned out some of the worst song lyrics in the history of music. Panic(!) changed from bizarrely baroque emo band to some kind of hipster Beatles tribute band with their album Pretty. Odd. Songs like “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage” were replaced with derivative swill like “Northern Downpour”. John Lennon would bitch slap this poser with a copy of Revolver if he were still alive.

Scott Stapp

Photo Credit

You know it’s bad when people describe you as “that guy from Creed” and then everyone surrounding you intrinsically knows that you’re an absolutely terrible lyricist. Was he singing about God? I think so. His amps of pious bombast went up to 11.

Chris Martin

Nobody can trick the public into thinking they’re deep better than Chris Martin. On paper, these lyrics resemble those embarrassing love letters you wrote to your 8th grade girlfriend. However, Martin astutely drowns his lyrics in piano and U2 guitars so that they sound meaningful. He’s really just pointing out the obvious (”the stars are yellow”), but somehow the sentiment becomes Blake-esque with a moving piano intro.

• Posted in All of The Rest