Emo Kids have been placidly brooding in dark corners of the universe ever since they were first left off the ark in the days of Noah. In the throes of worldwide annihilation the first recorded Emos huddled together on a makeshift raft made out of a burnt door. There was much to complain about. It was wet, Noah and his family were hoarding all the snuggly animals, there was only fish to eat, and Fall Out Boy wouldn’t be putting out a record for several thousand years. The mood was glum and suicide claimed the first casualty as “Jared” melodramatically stepped off the raft and into the waterlogged Earth. This act spawned a chain reaction of glumness, and as the death toll grew impossibly high, only “Humberto” was left on the raft. It was there on the raft that “Humberto” devised an evolutionary survival mechanism. The sad, lonely magic of asexual reproduction.
It is this way that Emo Children everywhere have since gloomily and miserably existed.
Thousands of years have passed where Emos have lived and thrived among us as quasi-equals; not partying, and not having sex, and not listening to music for enjoyment for centuries. They even made history by assassinating Archduke Ferdinand and helping Saw III be a box office smash.
But all throughout the streets of Mexico the lives and dignity of these very people are under attack as Emo-bashers have united against the meekly pathetic Emo-nation. Two weeks ago a group of Emos were attacked by a mob in an attempt to drive them out of the town square in Queretano, Mexico. Thanks in part to the internets (See: worldwide interwebs), the anti-Emo gospel has spread as punk rockers, indie hipsters, heavy metal kids, goths, Huey Lewis and the News fans, and the entire cast of Hannah Montana have taken to the streets of Mexico to spread a message of intolerance. No one can say for sure when this tension first began or how long it’s been mounting to this inevitable boiling point but a closer look into the complexity of the situation at hand reveals that all this intolerance may not be so misguided after all. There is considerable evidence which indicates that the Emos are not actually the self-proclaimed victims of lore.
Here’s the Reader’s Digest Breakdown:
Punk Rockers: hate Emos for stealing “Greasy” look, and for stealing the scene’s trademark “Loud Anthemic Song” and putting an unironically self-deprecating spin on it. (See: Every album made by the Spill Canvas for examples of this)
Indie Hipsters: upset at Emos for having the audacity to be as snarky about music and style, and for being mistakenly called “Emos” by Frat Guys.
Heavy Metal Kids: strongly despise Emos for taking the subject of death and making it into a lame, laughable, and wholly wimpy subject matter.
Goths: hate Emos for taking their place in the social hot seat; have you noticed how nobody really cares about Goths anymore? The Goths really just want to be hated by everyone again, but the Emos hog all the hate light.
Huey Lewis and the News Fans: Nobody knows what exactly Huey has against Emos but Huey Lewis is building an army and his fans are irrationally obedient (See: Lee Harvey Oswald)
The Entire Hannah Montana Cast: Miley Ray “Smilez”/”Smiley Ray”/”sMiles Davis” Cyrus ostensibly declared war on the Emos when she spawned the Hannah Montana icon. Hannah Montana, she prophetically determined, is in fierce opposition to everything the Emos love and embrace: Black makeup, fringe culture, suicide, Chris Carraba, and The Butterfly Effect.
So after the amassment of evidence has been compiled, O just reader, it is your responsibility to decide whether or not this aggression will stand… man. Have the Emos run their evolutionary course? Is their sad place in the universe justifiable? Is Mexico merely the first country to participate in a world-wide purge? Surely we can coexist harmoniously. Surely there must be some common love (See: Marshmallows) we share, some common hate (See: “I’ll Be” – Edwin McCain) to bring us together. [Cue music: “Love Is A Battlefield” – Pat Benatar] I’m going to keep looking. No matter what. Will you? We’re in this together! [“Heartache to heartache we stand…].
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im emo…this is like, torture…
STITCHES
OMFG thats horrible…people can be who ever what ever they want to be!
mT
Quit being so sad man, enjoy life, since you only live once!
Quit saying you are “in pain” or “life=pain” , you will definitely feel better when you quit doing that.
Don’t put your hair in front of your face, or do you have something to hide?
Don’t worry, be happy!
Elmo
thAt was fUcking cOoL men’! kEep rOck’in,, add. me euanduhh_1029@yahoo.com in your yahoo messenger and friendster. Tnx
yuanne
oh my fucking god im emo, hopefully people wont come after me. I dont want to be tortured.
stuffed teddy
Wow,that’s fucked up.People can be whoever the fuck they want whether you like it or not so stop being fucktards and grow up.
Miranda
Yeah. Add me too. You can find me on Friendster as well…
douche.
Jerry Seinfeld's new film, "Bee-Movie"
hey who evers emo do u have an aim or myspace hun lemee know im a hot emo too xoxo
Ms.kaya evans
wow
emo guys are hot
so like stop bein so gay u guys
ppl can be whoever they want
like ya i guess i would be considered a “prep” or w/e but i dont like this
i have plenty of quote “emo” friends and this makes me mad
like seriously get over your own stupid lives
reyna
the structure of our barbarious society is lost, and order is out of the question. Lies and truth are no longer seperate, and broken hearts cannot be mended by a word of sympathy. Emo or not, goth or not, preps or not, indie hipster or not, our harmonious ending is nowhere near. A dark, welcoming corner and an empty sheath are all that remain of our sanity. Thine heart is willing, but thine heart is not equipped for battle. The worlds of this universe will be consumed by fire and the ashes will burn as well, so what’s the point of harmonious living? Ashes rain!!!
Brianna
ola me llamo marian i me encantan los emos estais wenisimos
mi metro:samorena_lokilla_69
msn:lascherry_69@hotmail.com
marian
Wow, totally humorless emo kids with an inflated sense of self importance? You guys are TOTALLY disproving the stereotype.
Jack DeYoung
To Whom It May Concern,
Please stop deleting Mike’s comments.
It’s the only reason I write for this blog. That and the lucrative amount of money and women I’m scoring on a daily basis.
Sincerely An Overly-Bloated and Increasingly Irrational,
JT Bringardner
JT Bringardner
dude than mexicans have problems because emo guys and girls are hot as hell
ashley
hey fucker iam emo people can be who they want to be like me
samantha
emo kids aren’t persecuted, they’re perseCUTEd !
Ben Westermann-Clark
Lmao
I gota say that made me laugh quite a lot
I used to be emoy/gothy but i matured. I used to hate being called a goth or emo, but i guess that just enticed more insults
People getting angry at this calm down.
Yeah people can be who they want-but fucking hell it’s a joke. Your anger’s only proving emos can only ever be moody. Just don’t take it seriously. Maybe the guys a bit of a douche but i’m sure he’s just having a laugh.
But really, in the future don’t slag off emos. Slag off chavs. They’re the real villians.
Rhiannon
Okay.
If you have a peoblem with emo kids, talk to me!
Shell
super wowowowoowow
esa
hey emo….pls comm http://rockeritza92.hi5.com i am crazy girl emo.i love you and i love boys emo…
ioana love emo
You don’t know what you are even talking about. You are just making fun of “emo” people for no reason. Emo is just a sad label they use mainly to label pepole that cut, have awesome hair, or wear tight pants. Stop making fun of them cause they can be whoever they want to be. And by the way, Oh yea and I like your picture of my friend Andre (the picture of the dude in the hawthorne heights tee).
Audrina
holy crap this thing got a lot of comments! Surfing digg makes for good blog articles :)
Alejandra Valdes
Being John Goodman, I have a lot of respect for Emos (also, This is the John Goodman speaking. From the television series “Rosanne” and film “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou.” For real.) And I think you should all stop making fun of Emos. They are a fragile race. And they have AWESOME hair.
Sincerely,
John Goodman
Post Script: I am actually John Goodman.
Post Post Script: I sure love that AWESOME Emo hair.
Post Post Post Script: I need me some of that awesome hair.
John Goodman
ok u guys that are saying ur emo u r posers ok no one says theyre emo or says theyre scene ok so u people saying theyre “emo” are posers
jake